


kings of the jungle

by thunderylee



Category: KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Homophobia, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-22
Updated: 2008-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-03 15:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12750738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: A simple misunderstanding turns into a life alteration.





	kings of the jungle

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

Jin can’t sleep.

That’s what he tells everybody, anyway. It’s not like he can casually say, “Oh, I’m electing _not_ to sleep because every time I close my eyes I see things that I shouldn’t be seeing…”

_Wouldn’t that be a nightmare, Akanishi-kun?_ they would ask, because they always refer to him politely in his internal scenarios.

This is where Jin’s subconscious shuts down, because even he knows that it’s not a nightmare if he enjoys it.

It’s Yamapi’s fault – entirely – yet Jin can’t bring himself to confront him. Not for the obvious reason, either. If Yamapi didn’t mean it, Jin would actually be relieved. If he _did_ …

_Lovers sometimes say things like, “I fell in love with him/her gradually without realizing it.” It’s kind of like that._

Jin punches his pillow. Why did Yamapi have to say such a thing? Why couldn’t he compare them to brothers? He’s referred to Ryo as like a brother before, but no, Jin has to be the lover. He was perfectly content with the previous fourteen years of their friendship where he had never once thought about Yamapi like that, _never_. They could share a bed or be around each other without clothes or discuss sexual fantasies – all at the same time, even – and it wasn’t weird, not at all.

It’s weird now. Jin thinks that it doesn’t matter whether Yamapi was kidding or not, the idea is planted there in Jin’s mind and it’s not going anywhere. Even in a work environment like his, where he’s expected to flirt with other guys because it makes the girls like them more, that’s all it is – work. He snuggles with Kame under the covers or rolls his hips right against Ueda and as soon as the camera’s off, it’s over. There are no thoughts of meaning or underlying feelings because it’s work.

The photoshoot with Yamapi had been fun, making faces at the camera and leaning so naturally against each other that the photographer didn’t even have to tell them to move closer. They weren’t posing, just being themselves, although they left out the shot where Jin gave Yamapi bunny ears and Yamapi started to shove Jin’s face into the pot of nabe. It was a little surprising to find out that they’d left in some of the pictures when they were actually laughing, particularly since Yamapi is usually encouraged not to smile in his shoots.

Jin’s never liked that very much. He tries not to look at Yamapi’s spreads because they’re depressing, not resembling the Yamapi he knows at all. It seems that Yamapi smiles even more around him to make up for all of the times he can’t. Regardless of any feelings, Yamapi’s smile has always made Jin smile too. The minute they were told what pictures were being used, Jin knew that this was one article he would actually look at, maybe even put on his refrigerator, solely because Yamapi looks like himself.

Jin’s heart feels big and he wants to go to sleep, to dream about the inevitable until morning comes and he has to pretend again, but he can’t bring himself to close his eyes. Thinking of Yamapi like that, as much as his body may approve, makes him sting with guilt and shame because of the way he was raised. What would his father say? His little brother, to whom he’s still a role model? His mother who is anxiously awaiting grandchildren to spoil?

What would _Yamapi_ say?

Jin never wants to know. It will pass, he tells himself. It’s just a phase. For all he knows, everybody goes through it, but he’s not about to go around work and take a poll. He had never even been around those kinds of people until he went to L.A., where it was practically normal to be so open about it. Talk about a culture shock – he’s pretty sure that the acceptance of that kind of life was the biggest misconception he’d had about the States. And up until recently, those people could actually get _married_.

The minute Jin’s mind flashes to being married to Yamapi, complete with an apron and pies and long, curly hair, he falls asleep.

The next day, he can’t look anyone in the eye and keeps dozing off against the wall. Kame slips him some Ambien and he doesn’t dream again.

.

Yamapi has become stir-crazy.

At first, this two-week vacation seemed like a great idea, his anticipated reward after years of dramas and school and concerts, but on the third day he’s ready to go back to work. He’s cleaned his apartment and stocked his refrigerator and done all of his laundry. He’s slept nearly sixteen hours each night and cooked his favorite meals and skipped out on exercising because for once he isn’t on a diet.

He smiles a lot too, just because he can.

His sister is tired of hearing his voice and keeps trying to think of exciting things that he can do to get out of the house. His bandmates are out of the question – Ryo and Massu are busy with their dramas, Koyama and Shige are doing something cryptic overseas, and Tegoshi is catching up on school projects and working ahead to make up for the busy holiday season that’s coming up.

“Why don’t you do something alone for once?” Rina suggests. “You’re always surrounded by people – can’t you go see a movie or go out to lunch without having someone else with you?”

Yamapi thinks about that, even after she hangs up with an unapologetic, “ _Some_ of us have to work, Niichan.” He stares at his perfectly unblemished coffee table and considers redecorating his apartment. Maybe Jin would go with him to Ikea –

That’s where that thought stops, because he doesn’t think he’s talked to Jin since their joint interview last week. They often go for awhile without meeting, usually just sending mails about random things that happen or something one sees that makes him think about the other. There are times when Yamapi is so busy that Jin has to subscribe to his nikki just to know that he’s alive. For awhile this summer he insisted that Yamapi list everything he ate that day so Jin knew that he was actually eating and not wasting away to nothing like the executives would have loved for him to do at the time.

Yamapi called Jin on that third day, left a voicemail. Sometimes Jin just deletes his messages with all intentions of calling the person back, but of course he forgets, so Yamapi sent him a mail the next day. It was short and sweet – _I’m bored, let’s hang out_ – yet there wasn’t even a response. He knows that Jin is with the rest of KAT-TUN doing promotions for White Xmas, but Yamapi’s certainly been busier than that and made it a point to fit Jin into his schedule.

He starts to feel like a jealous girlfriend on the fifth day when he comes to the conclusion that he’s definitely being avoided. Jin always whines when Yamapi doesn’t call him back or return his mails, solely because Jin thinks that he is the most important person in Yamapi’s life and doesn’t even give him the courtesy of a day before he’s flooding Yamapi’s phone to get his attention. If Yamapi has to put up with that, it should certainly work in the reverse too. He decides on a bad picture of Koyama in drag and sends it to Jin thirty-seven times, each with the subject “it’s your fault I’ve resorted to this.”

When the last fifteen are returned, Yamapi knows that this is serious. But instead of going straight to Jin’s like anyone else would do, Yamapi must acquire justification from at least three people before he can take action. First is his sister, who helpfully tells him that Jin is probably out getting laid and it wouldn’t hurt for Niichan to do the same. Then Ryo (and indirectly Nino) tell him to stop being such a fucking girl because Jin’s too lazy (Ryo) and conceited (Nino) to hold a grudge with anyone. They also offer Erika’s phone number, not for dating purposes but for “girl talk,” and they find it hysterical to learn that Yamapi already has it.

“I can’t believe you have two weeks off and you’re not out banging half of Tokyo,” is Shirota’s response to his woes. “Stop worrying about Akanishi and go enjoy yourself. The point of a vacation is to not think about work.”

“He’s not work,” Yamapi automatically replies, feeling defensive.

He can almost hear Shirota rolling his eyes. “If it bothers you so much, go talk to him already! Maybe his fucking phone is broken and he hasn’t had a chance to tell you. Maybe he dropped it in the toilet and it’s embarrassing. I don’t know, Tomo, I’m not him.”

“But you don’t think he’s mad at me?” Yamapi presses hopefully.

Shirota sighs and hangs up. Some friends Yamapi has. He considers calling Toma and immediately dismisses it; Jin’s always been a sore spot with him. He feels like he’s exhausted his options and the general consensus seems to be that Jin is _not_ avoiding him, which should be comforting and leave Yamapi capable of doing other things besides sitting on his couch and staring at the wall.

Except that it doesn’t. He’s uneasy, maybe a little scared. Something could have happened… without thinking, he dials Kame’s number and foregoes the pleasantries. “Did Jin go to work today?”

“Hello to you too,” Kame replies dryly. “He’s here right now, but we’re on break so I’m not sure exactly where he is. Did he put his phone on silent again? Is this an emergency?”

“He turned it off,” Yamapi tells him, a little regretfully. “My messages were returned.”

Kame actually laughs. “Maybe you’re the reason he hasn’t been sleeping then. I thought it was some bitch.”

“What?” Yamapi reacts immediately. “He hasn’t been sleeping?”

“Is this an emergency or not?” Kame asks exasperatedly. “I’m not going to go hunt him down unless you’re in the hospital.”

“I’m not in the hospital,” Yamapi says. “Could you please tell him to call me when he gets a chance?”

“I’m not his fucking secretary,” Kame spits. “Your gay lovers’ quarrel is none of my concern. Goodbye, Yamashita.”

Yamapi stares at his phone as Kame hangs up on him. Gay lovers’ quarrel? That would only be funny if their interview had been printed already, but it has not. Maybe Jin told them what Yamapi had said regarding the way they became friends. It was something more for the fans than from the heart, although he really did feel that kind of immediate connection with Jin all of those years ago. The comment was more about that than actually being like lovers.

His phone falls to the couch with a soft _plop_ as he realizes that that could be the reason why Jin is avoiding him. Would he seriously think that Yamapi wanted to be like that with him? He doesn’t condone that kind of behavior and has stated nothing that would lead anyone to believe that he wanted anything different than a wife and children in his life. Not right now, of course, but eventually. Besides, he doesn’t need a girlfriend when he has Jin. Jin seems to fill the loneliness void without any of the complications of relationships.

It occurs to him just then that he’d never even considered calling up one of his female friends for a date. He’s not particularly interested in any of them, but they do have friends. It’s difficult for someone like him to go out and meet women, which is why most of them use the friend-of-a-friend connection and usually end up with girlfriends who are in the business too. It seems to work better that way; they understand the public demand and don’t get pissy over love scenes or extended time apart.

Abiru Yuu had been that person for him until she found someone better. Their times together were so rare that Yamapi was a little surprised that he missed holding her and kissing her and doing other things that men did with women behind closed doors. It wasn’t just about the sex – he could get that anywhere – but a little part of his heart had been broken when she mailed him about her new boyfriend. He didn’t think that he was in love with her, but he didn’t really have anything else to compare it to.

Jin was there for that, of course. Without question, he dropped whatever he had going on and showed up at Yamapi’s apartment with a case of beer and a couple movies that had absolutely no romance in them whatsoever. He let Yamapi’s head drift onto his shoulder and never mentioned the tears that ended up soaking his shirt. They didn’t talk about it; they didn’t have to.

Yamapi wonders if Jin has something else going on that doesn’t even involve him. It could be about his brother or his parents or even his group. If it’s any of them, though, Yamapi can’t imagine why Jin would need to keep it from him. He’d be there for Jin just like Jin was there for him through his debut and the hiatus and Yuu and all of the stress that he’s endured in his career thus far. Yamapi was there for Jin’s early years with KAT-TUN and Domoto Koichi, then his own debut and hiatus. _Nothing_ could be worse than those times, he thinks.

Just when he’s considering pouring himself drink after drink until he forgets that Jin even exists, his phone goes off. He practically dives for it, banging his knee on the coffee table and cursing as he opens the mail. It’s not from Jin but Nakamaru, who has only one thing to say: _Practice is over now_.

Without another thought, Yamapi grabs his keys and leaves.

.

Jin’s not stupid.

He sees Yamapi’s car in the corner of his parking lot as he pulls into his spot and turns off the engine. Yamapi couldn’t possibly be trying to be incognito in that flashy ride with the lights on and the bass thumping in the distance. Ordinarily he’d be coveting Yamapi’s car as usual, but right now he’s in a different mindset.

Kame told him that Yamapi had called. In not very nice words, even. “Boyfriend” was used along with some other choice phrases, and Jin had to use all of his willpower not to give Kame another bump in his nose. Thankfully this conversation occurred away from the others, although he vaguely remembers Nakamaru going to the vending machine while the pair of them were hissing angrily. That one is harmless, though. Sometimes Jin wonders why Nakamaru puts up with them.

Jin jumps when someone’s hands hit the top of his car. “You gonna stay in there all night, Bakanishi?”

He can’t help but smile at the familiarity. Immediately he swings the door open, almost hitting Yamapi who jumps out of the way just in time. Jin’s smirking as he gets out, feeling like everything is normal as he closes the door and turns on the alarm. “You have too much free time if you’re stalking me now.”

“You rejected my messages and didn’t call me back,” Yamapi says with a forced pout, folding his arms across his chest. “Explain.”

“Inside,” Jin says with a sigh, leading the way because he can’t meet Yamapi’s eyes anymore. The setup of his living room comes to mind as he mentally seats himself and Yamapi so that they’re not facing each other. There are several possible conclusions depending on whether Yamapi chooses the couch or one of the armchairs, but Jin is pretty sure that he has an acceptable response for all of them.

It keeps him from thinking about how he’s going to explain himself, anyway.

Once inside, Jin stalls by offering Yamapi a drink and heading straight to his bedroom to change clothes. He didn’t stick around work for a shower and doesn’t think he could get away with one now, even though he probably needs one after spending all day rehearsing. If this were any other time, he would probably run a bath and talk to Yamapi while the other is in the room with him. He vividly remembers one time that happened after a particularly grueling practice and Yamapi had been mailing on his phone until Jin whined and made him wash his hair.

When he returns, Yamapi’s in the armchair on the far side of the room. Jin sits on the couch closest to him, staring straight ahead at the TV that isn’t on.

“What’s going on, Jin?” Yamapi asks gently. “Haven’t you been avoiding me?”

Now is not the time to think of excuses, but a bunch fly to the front of his mind. “Kame yelled at me for my phone going off so much,” Jin tells him honestly. “I had to turn it off.”

“That was just a few hours ago,” Yamapi contests. “I called you two days ago and mailed you yesterday.”

“I forgot,” Jin says completely unconvincingly, hanging his head. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t believe you.” Yamapi’s voice is sterner, making Jin look up. “We just told the entire world how close we are and now you can’t even tell me what’s bothering you. I know something is bothering you, Jin, you wear your heart on your sleeve.”

Jin remains silent. “I don’t know how to say it.”

“Kame says you haven’t been sleeping,” Yamapi tries a different angle. “What happens when you try to fall asleep?”

“I see things,” Jin almost whispers. “Bad things.”

“What kind of bad things?” Yamapi presses. “Jin, you can tell me anything. _Anything_. Do you dream of hurting people? Killing them? Maybe someone in particular?”

“No, nothing like that.” Jin takes a deep breath, a little relieved that it’s not that bad. “It’s more… inappropriate.”

Yamapi makes a face. “Does it involve my sister?”

Jin imitates the expression. “No, ew.”

“Hey,” Yamapi says defensively. “My sister is beautiful.”

“Of course she is,” Jin says quickly. “But I don’t secretly want to fuck her.”

He can see Yamapi smiling smugly in the reflection of the TV. “Good.”

Jin welcomes the silence, which isn’t the least bit awkward due to both of their brains working to word their thoughts properly.

“Do you -”

“I don’t -”

They stop and smile. “You go first,” they say in unison.

The next step is to janken. Yamapi wins and points at Jin. “You go.”

“I was going to say ‘I don’t know why’,” Jin admits, “but I can’t lie to you.”

“I see right through you,” Yamapi agrees. “Just tell me, Jin. Is it me? Do you dream about me?”

Jin thinks that whether he answers or not, the truth will be known. “Yes.”

Yamapi visibly shudders, and Jin doesn’t think it’s in a good way. He bites his lip as he waits for Yamapi to put his words together. “You don’t _want_ … with me… do you?”

Shaking his head, Jin scrunches his face up like he smells something really bad. “No, of course not.”

Yamapi breathes a sigh of relief. “Then there’s nothing to worry about,” he says happily. “You can’t control your dreams, right? I’m actually flattered. I hope I was good.”

Jin chokes on his breath.

Yamapi laughs. “Does this have something to do with what I said in the interview? About being like lovers?”

Jin nods, trying to hide his face that’s becoming warm. “Yeah, I guess it kind of stuck with me.”

“Don’t worry,” Yamapi tells him. “It’s not like that. I was just saying that we became friends without really trying.”

“Right,” Jin says. “I’m sorry I thought differently.”

“No, it’s okay.” Yamapi pats his arm and leans down to look into his face. “Contrary to what you may think, not _everybody_ wants in your pants.”

Jin rolls his eyes and feels his insecurities drift away. “Of course they do. I’m irresistible. If I unleashed my charm, you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off of me.”

Yamapi falls back into his chair, shaking with laughter. “You are so full of yourself. I should be offended that you would even think that about me.”

“But you’re not,” Jin points out. “Because you only _wish_ you could have a piece of this.”

“Who’s dreaming about who?” Yamapi offers with a knowing look. “Maybe I should just keep not exercising so that I look unattractive.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Jin says before he can stop himself. He claps a hand to his mouth. “I mean-”

Yamapi is smiling. “It’s okay, Jin. Don’t let it get all weird. We’re both guys. Nothing like that could ever happen between us. It’s not right.”

Jin feels a pang of irritation. “You don’t think it’s okay for some people to be like that?”

“No, I don’t,” Yamapi says strongly. “Men are supposed to be attracted to women and vice versa. Any other way is just unnatural.”

“I met some people in Los Angeles who were that way,” Jin says softly. “They were really nice.”

“I’m sure they were,” Yamapi replies. “But you’re talking about two completely different countries here. America is more free while Japan is structured. Personally I couldn’t imagine being that free. I like it better this way.”

Jin doesn’t say anything.

“What I think,” Yamapi goes on, unsuspecting, “is that being around those people just gave you a new trend to admire. You won’t be like that, no matter what your dreams include. Those people are like that by choice, because they want to rebel for whatever reason. It’s not something that one really feels.”

Now Jin is seething. “Hey, I’m suddenly tired. Do you think we could continue this another time?”

“Oh, sorry,” Yamapi says quickly, standing up and squeezing Jin’s shoulder. “Sleep well. Don’t let the queers get you down.”

Jin waits until the door closes to hold a couch pillow to his face and scream. He’s so _angry_ , not because Yamapi had pretty much turned him down for life, but because he’s so close-minded. He was raised the same way as Jin, but at least Jin acknowledges that these people really do want to be with members of the same gender and it’s not just a popularity antic.

What he doesn’t understand is why it bothers him so much.

.

“Of course it’s not right,” Shige says immediately, making Yamapi like him more. “It’s a mockery of marriage.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Koyama says gently, cowering a little. “I went to school with a homo and I feel a little sorry for him because he’ll never be able to experience what we will.”

Tegoshi shrugs when Yamapi turns to him. “It doesn’t matter to me what other people do.”

“It doesn’t bother you to see _them_ walk down the street holding hands?” Shige asks, directing his disapproving glare to Tegoshi.

“I’ve never seen it,” Tegoshi replies. “They aren’t _that_ open where I live.”

Massu nods his agreement. “I don’t know anyone who is like that, so I don’t know how I feel about it.”

Finally, Yamapi looks at Ryo. “Well? What do you think?”

“I think you’re both assholes,” Ryo says to Yamapi and Shige. “Let people live their lives. What difference does it make to you who likes cock and who likes pussy?” He rolls his eyes. “You watch lesbian porn, don’t you?”

Shige turns bright red and starts stammering. “I, um, well -”

“That’s different, Ryo-chan,” Yamapi says. “That’s not _real_.”

“It’s okay when it’s girls, isn’t it?” Ryo goes on. “If you saw two hot girls walking down the street holding hands, you wouldn’t bat an eye.”

“Girls do that all the time,” Tegoshi points out. “I’ve never known any who were actually that way.”

Ryo rubs his eyes. “That’s not my point.”

“Yasuda-kun is bisexual, isn’t he?” Massu speaks up. “Isn’t that why Nishikido-kun is speaking so strongly in defense?”

“If he’s bi, then I’m all-the-way gay,” Ryo says. “All of Germany seems to think so, anyway.”

“I can’t believe Johnny hasn’t sued that magazine,” Yamapi tells him, feeling incredulous. “If it were me-”

“I told him not to,” Ryo interrupts. “They agreed to print a retraction and pay for using the pictures. It doesn’t bother me at all – in fact, I have a large German fanbase now. Yoko tells me that a lot of our videos are being subbed in German.”

“But they think you’re gay,” Yamapi points out.

“They _all_ think we’re gay!” Ryo screams. “What do you think we’re selling here, our talent?”

Tegoshi laughs. “Kei-chan has gotten a lot more popular since our fanservice.”

Koyama beams. “Thanks to Tego-rin, of course. Yamapi too, for our duet.”

“Fanservice,” Yamapi scoffs. “It’s completely different.”

“Is it?” Massu counters. “Even though it’s not real, we’re still trying to make people think that it is, which indirectly shows that we acknowledge its existence in society.”

“I’m not denying its existence,” Shige says with a wrinkled nose. “I’m just saying it’s not right.”

“Yeah,” Yamapi agrees.

“Which makes you both assholes,” Ryo repeats. “Just because you don’t understand it means that it’s not ‘right’. Fuck you both.”

And he leaves, slamming the door on his way out.

The other five look at each other uncomfortably. “Ryo-chan has been busy lately, hasn’t he?” Koyama asks quietly. “He’s probably got a lot on his mind.”

“He doesn’t mean it,” Tegoshi adds quickly. “He would never say such hurtful words to any of us. He must be tired.”

“What brought this up, Yamapi?” Koyama asks worriedly. “You’ve never asked us our opinions on such controversial things before. Did something happen during our break?”

“Were there a lot of them in New York?” Yamapi responds. “They say that’s the most culturally diverse city in the country.”

“There was a lot of everything,” Shige answers. “Notti seems to have made friends with every stereotype in the book.”

Koyama frowns thoughtfully. “Does it count as being gay if someone used to be a man but got an operation to become a woman?”

Tegoshi looks fascinated. “I should have done my project on _that_!”

“It’s wrong, isn’t it?” Yamapi asks again. “Aside from ‘live and let live’, isn’t it disgraceful?”

“Yes,” Shige answers immediately.

“I don’t think they can help it, Yamapi,” Koyama offers. “It’s like an incurable disease.”

“Like a mental illness?” Tegoshi inquires. “It’s never been diagnosed officially but it’s possible that it could be a hormone imbalance. I’ll check my books when I get home. I’ve already done my winter project, but maybe this will fit the requirements of my spring project.”

“You won’t find it addressed in any Japanese textbooks,” Shige tells him. “No professional Japanese person would even try to justify it. You’ll have to learn English and search those references.”

“Ah, I don’t care that much,” Tegoshi says with a smile. “All this serious talk is making me hungry.”

Massu grins. “Now you’re speaking of my true sexuality!”

The others laugh good-naturedly, but Yamapi just offers a smile, which gradually falls as Ryo rejects his invitation to join them now that they’ve all calmed down.

.

Meanwhile, Jin says nothing to anybody and continues to brood in private. It’s nobody’s business but his, anyway.

The Ambien helps.

.

“I was so mad,” Ryo confides on the phone once he’s locked all of the windows and stuffed a towel under the door. “They were talking about it like it was some kind of sickness.”

“Relax, Ryo-chan,” the person on the other end – who shall remain unnamed – assures him. “It’s not their fault that they were brought up that way.”

“I was brought up that way too!” Ryo yells. “And so were you! But eventually we learned to think for ourselves.”

“Then it’s not their fault that they never learned that.” Ryo can feel the caller’s smile and instantly calms down. “Please don’t fight with your group on my behalf.”

“You’re so peaceful,” Ryo thinks out loud, speaking of both this person and the group of people he represents. “It’s not like you’re doing this to hurt anybody.”

A chuckle sounds in his ear. “I actually pity people like the ones who said those mean things. I have never been happier since I’ve been with my lover, and all of the added trouble and unnecessary hate just makes us even closer. I doubt most straight people will ever get to experience the bond that we have.”

“I know I’m jealous,” Ryo says with a snort. “I’ve had so many girl problems that it makes me want to try my luck playing for the other team.”

“Those are the wrong reasons, Ryo-chan.” The other person laughs. “Although you are more open-minded than most, I don’t think you could bring yourself to love another man, no matter how many girls stomp on your heart.”

“You’re probably right.” Ryo sighs. “It just pisses me off that I have to put up with this kind of bigotry in the workplace. As leader, Yamapi should know better than to bring shit like that up.”

“He should.” A pause. “Doesn’t that make you wonder what prompted him to be so defensive about it in the first place?”

Ryo stops in his tracks. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that doesn’t he usually ask for your opinions when he’s trying to _prove_ something? Did one of his close friends or family members come out recently? Maybe he’s lashing out in denial instead of coming to terms with it… like you did.”

Ryo says nothing, the wheels in his brain turning.

“Or maybe he’s a little curious himself.” The caller snorts. “Wouldn’t that just be like karma to happen like that?”

“Are we having the ‘everybody’s a little bit gay’ argument again?” Ryo asks, rolling his eyes.

“They are,” the other voice insists. “It’s just whether that person allows themselves to embrace that part or not. Although I think it’s more likely that it’s someone close to him. Do you have any idea who it could be?”

“There’s only one person,” Ryo says slowly, falling onto his couch as the puzzle pieces itself together behind his eyes. “The question is, do I get involved?”

“You got involved the first time,” the other person points out. “What makes this time any different?”

.

“Nice to see you again,” Yamapi says to Ryo on the first day of preparations for their concert tour. “Let’s get along, okay?”

Ryo stares hard into his eyes. “I want you to know that I am still upset with your ignorance, immensely, but I will stay civil for the sake of NewS.”

Yamapi gulps but stands his ground. “As leader, I thank you for that.”

“However,” Ryo says quietly, moving forward until he’s in Yamapi’s personal space. “I will be mocking you. Be warned.”

A grin breaks out on Yamapi’s face. “Oh, Ryo-chan, you are a really good actor. I honestly thought you were mad at me!”

Ryo rolls his eyes and stomps off.

As the tour progresses, Ryo’s public ‘mocking’ is about as harmful as a kitten’s claws. There was the comment about being brothers of the mouth, which made Yamapi feel embarrassed for poor Masami, and then Ryo’s blatant plea for attention in the form of birthday kisses.

The next day, on his actual birthday, Yamapi starts to give him one just to be facetious. He does it not only as fanservice but also to make a point, which is proven when Ryo pulls away at the last second. Satisfied that he’s won this round of Gay Chicken, Yamapi continues singing and smiles brightly for the rest of the encore despite the hissing in his earpiece that shop photos are being taken.

He goes to bed feeling high on life and missing Jin a lot. Ordinarily he would call him, but he’s been giving him his space after the last time. Jin’s obviously confused about some things – just another reason why that hiatus did more harm than good – and Yamapi plans to leave him alone until he’s sorted them out.

That night, he dreams that he and Jin are lions who will one day rule the entire pride. Except that Jin is a girl. Randomly, Koyama is a giraffe and Ryo is a hyena. Shige is a baboon, Tegoshi is a meerkat, and three guesses as to what Massu is.

_There, we’re even_ , he mails Jin when he wakes up at 3am in tears of laughter.

.

Jin’s at the bottom of the bottle when he gets Yamapi’s mail. It takes him a minute to focus, then another five minutes to read the message straight through without laughing hysterically or pondering what kind of animals KAT-TUN would be.

“Why do I have to be the girl?” he asks out loud.

He’s drunk enough to actually think about it.

.

Ryo shows up at Jin’s apartment, uninvited. “Let me in, I brought beer.”

Jin lets him in. He’s already drinking, the fourth night this week, the proof of which still litters his counters.

Ryo knows that Jin will never admit anything to him, so he decides to confess first. “I kissed a guy today.”

He manages to hide his smugness when Jin gasps and turns all the way to face him. “What was it like?”

Ryo shrugs. “It was all right. Different than kissing a girl.”

Jin’s entire attention is on him, albeit a little wavering. “Different how?”

“Just different,” Ryo says. “I feel a little weird about it, though.”

“Was it a friend?” Jin asks.

Ryo sighs forlornly. “Yeah. That’s what makes it weird because… I kind of want to do it again.”

Jin snorts. “Don’t tell Pi that.”

“I know, right,” Ryo plays along. “He’s been such a homophobe lately. You should have seen the shit he was saying in our MCs.”

“It’s not his fault,” Jin says quietly.

“How is that?” Ryo challenges. “He’s a grown man who made the decision to feel that way. Who else’s fault would it be?”

Jin hugs a couch pillow. “Mine.”

Well, that was easy. “Why is it your fault?”

“I told him something…” Jin trails off. “I shouldn’t tell you.”

“Did you kiss a guy too?” Ryo asks, trying to look hopeful. “It was Kame, wasn’t it?”

Jin makes a face. “Ew. I would never kiss Kame.”

“Ueda? Nakamaru?” Ryo hides his smirk.

The couch pillow slightly muffles Jin’s noise of disgust. “I didn’t kiss anyone.”

“Do you want to?” Ryo pulls down the pillow and stares Jin in his bloodshot eyes. “I hear Yamapi’s a good kisser.”

“He would never-” Jin seems to catch himself and widens his eyes. “I mean, of course not-”

“You’re such a bad liar,” Ryo says, dropping the act as he turns to face Jin. “The fact is, you’ve finally realized that you’re harboring deep gay feelings for him and he’s reacting badly to it, going out of his way to tell everyone that he’s as straight as an arrow so it makes him feel better about ignoring his own deep gay feelings.”

Jin blinks. “I don’t even know how I feel. How can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve watched you two for ten years now,” Ryo says slowly, like he’s speaking to a child. “I’ve watched your friendship progress to whatever this is. He speaks more highly of you than he does me, and I’ve known him longer.”

“No you haven’t,” Jin argues.

“Fine, then I know him better,” Ryo tries.

Jin narrows his eyes. “No you don’t.”

Ryo sighs. “Then he likes me more than he does you.”

“That’s probably true,” Jin says reluctantly. “You didn’t have a sex dream about him.”

Ryo practically spits out his beer. “Is _that_ was this is about? Oh my god, you are both amazing idiots.”

Jin seems to not process the insult and tugs on Ryo’s sleeve instead. “Ryo-chan, I don’t want to kiss any other guy but him. What does that mean?”

“It means you’ve got your work cut out for you,” Ryo says, putting his arm around Jin as the latter rests his head on Ryo’s shoulder. “I’ll help as much as I can, because I don’t like this new bigoted Yamapi either.”

“I don’t think anyone does,” Jin mumbles. “Koichi-senpai got word of it and he is not impressed.”

“ _Great_ ,” Ryo says, leaning his head back in exasperation. “Just what we need, another scandal.”

“Wouldn’t it be worse if people knew the truth?” Jin asks timidly. “It’s not allowed. We’d have to keep it secret from everyone at work… except you.”

“Lucky me,” Ryo groans. “That’s just the sacrifice you have to make. There will be a time later on, after the sparkling party is over and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone you’re not. Just making it to that point will be hard.”

“Ryo-chan sounds like he’s speaking from experience,” Jin teases, poking him in the arm.

“My… friend,” Ryo says slowly. “He’s with someone. A guy. Secretly. I’m the only one who knows. I seem to attract those kind of people.”

“I feel relieved,” Jin says with a smile. “If it worked out for your friend, maybe it will work out for me.”

“Do you really want it to?” Ryo asks.

Jin doesn’t answer right away. Ryo can almost hear him thinking, his breath becoming more aggravated as he argues with himself internally. “I think I do.”

“The first step is admitting it,” Ryo says, patting Jin’s shoulder. “You should try saying it out loud.”

Jin bites his lip a little, playing with his fingers as he seems to be gathering up his courage. “Yamapi… Yamapi… I love Yamapi.”

Even Ryo’s heart feels warm. “Good. Do you feel better?”

In response, Ryo’s shoulder becomes wet. Jin inhales sharply as he sobs, turning to face Ryo completely and throw his arms around his neck. Ryo has never seen Jin this vulnerable in his life, and he hasn’t really drunk that much tonight. Ryo is flooded with memories of the first time this happened and feels so strongly that he hugs Jin back, squeezing him comfortingly and shedding a sympathetic tear despite himself.

They stay like that for a very long time, until Jin finally pulls away and wipes his face with his shirt. “I’m sorry, Ryo-chan.”

“It’s okay,” Ryo tells him, and means it. “I do have one question, though.”

“Shoot,” Jin says, now rubbing his eyes.

“Who was the girl in your dream?”

Ryo ducks just in time for Jin to swat the couch pillow at him. “That is not your business!”

“That means it was you,” Ryo teases. “Do you really think you could do that for him?”

Jin pauses, directing his red eyes to the side. “I don’t know. Doesn’t it hurt?”

“It’s not too bad,” Ryo tells him, mimicking Jin’s face when the latter widens his eyes and gasps. “Don’t look so surprised. We Osakans are curious by nature. That’s why we get into so much trouble.”

“Who-”

“I will never tell you,” Ryo says firmly. “But now it’s obvious that I was lying about the reason I came here.”

“I already knew that.” Jin offers a smile. “I heard about Yamapi’s outburst too. I figured it wouldn’t take you very long to put two and two together.”

“Why did you let me beat it out of you then?” Ryo asks. “Are you that desperate for someone to talk to?”

When Jin doesn’t answer, he knows he’s right.

He doesn’t say anything either, just scoots over until he can put his arm around Jin again. He feels obligated to help him just like the one before, if only so _someone_ can find the happiness that Ryo has yet to find himself.

“He said that we were like lovers,” Jin finally says. “The first time we met, we clicked instantly and ended up becoming best friends. He compared it to gradually falling in love without realizing it.”

“Oh, Yamapi,” Ryo says with a laugh. “Only he could be romantic without trying.”

Jin laughs. “Would you have taken it that way too?”

“No,” Ryo admits, “but he and I don’t have the kind of relationship that you two have.”

“Is it really that different?” Jin asks. “I never noticed.”

“It really is,” agrees a third voice from the doorway.

.

Yamapi’s amazed that they don’t hear him with as much racket as he makes trying to find Jin’s key on his key ring, but then again Jin’s crying pretty hard at the time. He’s only a little bit jealous that Jin is sharing that side of himself with Ryo instead of coming to Yamapi like usual, mostly because he has a pretty good idea what it’s about.

After he announces his presence, he walks around until he can kneel in front of Jin, looking up into his shocked, puffy face. “Can we talk about this?”

“Please?” Jin replies. “I don’t want you to judge me, though.”

“I won’t,” Yamapi says quietly. “Because it’s you, I’ll try to understand.”

Ryo smiles proudly. “Shall I leave?”

“Stay,” both Jin and Yamapi say together, then laugh. “In case I get out of line,” Yamapi adds. “I don’t ever want to see this again.”

He’s referring to Jin’s tears, which are still damp on Ryo’s shoulder. Jin turns red and briefly takes his bottom lip into his mouth. “I’ve been drinking,” he admits.

“I can tell,” Yamapi replies softly. “I feel responsible.”

“Do you want a drink too?” Jin asks hopefully. “Maybe it will be easier.”

Yamapi shakes his head. “I want to be sober for this. We can drink after we figure out what to do.”

Nodding, Jin opens his mouth a few times before he finally decides on what to say. “Do you remember? Right after your dad left, you stayed at my house for so long that my parents got us bunk-beds.”

“I remember,” Yamapi says, smiling at the memory. “We didn’t need them.”

Jin laughs. “No we didn’t. We fit perfectly into the one.”

“You were so good to me,” Yamapi recalls, swallowing as the hurtful feelings return as well. “You didn’t even ask me what was wrong for an entire week.”

“Do you remember what you said to me when you finally did?” Jin asks. “I’ll never forget. You looked right at me and said -”

“‘No matter what, I won’t do this to the ones I love’,” they say together.

“Then I realized I was doing it at that very moment,” Yamapi goes on. “My mother and sister had to suffer without me because I was with you.”

“And I made you go home,” Jin says, laughing. “But then you came back the next day with Rina!”

Yamapi’s laughing too. “And your mom said no, Reio and Rina can’t share a room. We couldn’t understand _why_.”

“Finally my mom talked to your mom and Reio ended up on the top bunk while Rina slept in his room.” Jin sniffs. “He said that our family had just doubled and called you Niichan the whole time.”

“My mom really appreciated that,” Yamapi says warmly. “It was hard enough going through all of that without two small children running around.”

“I’ve never thought of you as a brother, Pi,” Jin blurts out, reaching for Yamapi’s hands without any kind of pretense or warning.

Yamapi doesn’t push him away, just keeps staring at Jin’s glistening eyes as the latter is in danger of crying again. He barely notices Jin’s hands holding onto his, or that he’s gently rubbing them with his thumbs.

It’s natural, he thinks. It’s not different because Jin has confessed. Yamapi would have no problem hugging him right now, even letting him cling onto him as they slept if that’s the kind of support Jin needs. No matter what happens, Yamapi tells himself, their friendship comes first.

“I haven’t either,” he ends up saying, realizing its truth as he speaks the words.

“I already have a younger brother,” Jin goes on. “You’re nothing like him.”

“Sometimes I forget you’re older than me,” Yamapi admits. “I’m technically your senpai.”

Jin laughs. “Senpai, please tell me what to do.”

Yamapi laughs too. “As a senpai, I will tell you to do what you feel in your heart is right.”

“What about as Tomohisa?” Jin asks quietly, raising his eyes after the fact.

Yamapi doesn’t cringe like he usually does when people use his real name. “Tomohisa doesn’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore.”

Jin blinks. “You know, this is all your fault. You had to go and compare us to _lovers_.”

“I’m sorry!” Yamapi exclaims, looking down at their joined hands and feeling a twist of regret. For which side, he’s not sure. “I didn’t mean it like that, I swear.”

Jin sighs. “It’s too late. I’ve already done it.”

“Done what?” Yamapi asks, lifting his head.

Jin meets his eyes. “I’ve accepted the fact that I’m in love with you.”

Yamapi’s head drops again.

“It happened without my knowledge, just like you said,” Jin goes on. “Maybe when I was eleven, maybe when I was eighteen. Maybe even two weeks ago. I don’t know when it happened, just that it did.”

“Stop,” Yamapi says quietly. “Please don’t talk about it anymore.”

“Why?” Jin challenges. “Does it make you feel like a bastard for saying those things to me? Does it make you want to strangle me because I’m one of those ‘queers’?”

Yamapi says nothing, squeezing his eyes shut and inadvertently squeezing Jin’s hands at the same time.

“Let me tell you something, Tomohisa,” Jin says very clearly. “I would never even _consider_ it if it was anyone but you. I’m _not_ a fucking homo. But because it’s _you_ , my heart doesn’t know the difference. It doesn’t care what’s in your pants. You are you and I’m me and it’s unfortunate that we’re both guys.”

“How can you say that so easily?!” Yamapi screams, his eyes stinging as his head darts back up to glare at Jin. “‘It’s unfortunate.’ What will our mothers say? Our friends, our fans? I don’t do anything halfway, Jin, and that includes falling in love. If I go through with this, I won’t hide it from anyone. I won’t hold back no matter where we are, and I won’t stop myself from punching anyone who has something to say about it.”

The corners of Jin’s lips turn up into a smile. “I think I love you even more.”

“Stop saying it!” Yamapi roars.

“I love you!” Jin yells, bouncing as he gets into Yamapi’s face. “I love Yamashita Tomohisa so much that I don’t care how fucking stupid he is, I love him anyway.”

Yamapi bites back the smile that’s threatening to form on his face. “Fucking stupid, huh. At least I know when it happened.”

Jin stops bouncing. “What?”

“I didn’t think anything of it at the time,” Yamapi begins, “because I was so young. I thought what I felt was real, but I knew better. My father had just left an empty place in my heart, and naturally I was going to latch onto the first person who filled it. That was you, Jin. I was nine fucking years old and somehow I knew that I could never lose you.”

“Pi…” Jin gasps.

“Then I got older,” Yamapi goes on, fighting with all of his strength to keep looking at Jin. “I grew up with you right there. We went through puberty together, yours and then mine. You were right by my side as I kept getting more and more popular while you seemed to be lying dormant with KAT-TUN.”

“If you say the words ‘wing beneath my wings’, I will never let you live it down,” Jin says seriously.

Yamapi releases one hand to smack Jin upside the head. “Shut up, I’m confessing here. _And then you got popular too_. We started competing. We had our first fight over my temporary unit with Kame, do you remember?”

“Yes,” Jin says through his laughter. “I was being so stupid.”

“Because you thought I would like him more than you,” Yamapi recalls. “That was really stupid, but I forgave you because it meant that I was important to you. More than anything I wanted to be important to you, from when I was nine years old until today. We went ten years without getting into a fight. Do you remember our second one?”

“When I left for America,” Jin says. “I remember it vividly. You threw things.”

“I did,” Yamapi agrees. “I nailed you in the head pretty nicely. It hurt, didn’t it?”

“More inside than out,” Jin admits. “You said that if I got on the plane, you would never speak to me again, but you mailed me three times during the flight to let you know when I landed.”

“Your plane was _three-and-a-half hours late_ ,” Yamapi adds. “I nearly died with worry.”

“I nearly killed you for annoying me,” jumps in Ryo, who grins when both of them swivel to face him. “Yes, I’m still here.”

“Shut up Ryo, he’s not done yet,” Jin says firmly, staring at Yamapi with the most hopeful eyes he’s ever seen. “So when was it for you?”

Yamapi gulps. “About five minutes ago.”

His expression unchanged, Jin blinks and slides to the floor, where he wraps his arms around Yamapi. Yamapi falls right into his embrace – naturally – and clutches onto his shoulder blades, looking helplessly at Ryo as he tries to sort through all of the conflicting feelings in his heart.

“Don’t look at me,” Ryo says. “You’re both idiots – you’re perfect for each other.”

They ignore him. “There’s just one thing,” Jin says slowly, pulling away enough to look at Yamapi’s face. “We can’t go public.”

“I know,” Yamapi whispers, pressing his face into Jin’s shoulder and inhaling sharply. Jin smells of bourbon and laundry detergent and the kind of deodorant that resembles cologne. The kind that Yamapi also uses. “At the rate I’m going, I probably won’t be able to even admit it for years.”

Jin sighs dramatically. “So I guess hook-up sex is out of the question.”

Yamapi punches him in the arm half-heartedly. “I’ll try, okay? This is… this goes against everything I’ve ever known.”

“But I’m worth it, right?” Jin says, nudging Yamapi’s face with his nose. “Agree or I’ll kiss you.”

“Of course you-”

Jin kisses him anyway. Yamapi gasps as he feels the lips that are unfamiliar and familiar at the same time. He wants to pull away as much as he wants to continue, torn to the point where he does absolutely nothing. Jin’s lips move against his and he feels it in his entire body, knows that he made the right decision as the nasty voices in his mind subside and all he wants is for this to last forever.

“Good,” Jin whispers against his lips. “My goal for the rest of the year is to get you to kiss me back.”

“I was _about_ to,” Yamapi says irritably. “Then you stopped.”

There’s a flash of surprise on Jin’s face, then Yamapi falls onto his back as he’s tackled by Jin and kissed again. Yamapi immediately reciprocates, tilting his head and wrapping his arms around Jin’s neck with no hesitation, no regret and only hating himself a little. He can feel Jin smiling against their kiss, which somehow makes it all worth it.

“What’s your goal for the rest of the year going to be now?” Yamapi asks when they break apart to calm down.

“To get into your pants, of course,” Jin replies casually, breathless and flushed.

Yamapi cringes. “One step at a time, Jin.”

“Okay, fine,” Jin amends. “Second base.”

“I don’t know what the bases are like… this,” Yamapi admits, his heart beating wildly at the thought. “What does that mean?”

“Just touching,” Jin says quickly. “Maybe, like, getting each other off.”

“You’re making this up as you go along, aren’t you?” Yamapi accuses him, struggling to control his breathing because he’s already thinking about it. “We haven’t even gotten to _first_ base yet.”

Jin smirks. “Give me _time_.”

In response, Yamapi pulls Jin back by his hair. The latter squeaks and falls right into Yamapi’s mouth, rounding first base to Yamapi’s satisfaction.

Jin ends up hitting a double later on that night, and they’re pretty sure that Ryo left before then.

> ~bonus~ _One year later_

__Jin moans in his sleep. Yamapi thinks it’s the most hilarious thing in the universe and constantly records it to embarrass him publicly as much as possible.

Except when he moans Yamapi’s name. That’s for Yamapi’s ears only.

Nobody questions why Yamapi is in Jin’s bedroom when he is sleeping. They suppose it’s only natural. Neither of them have to worry about being found out because nobody suspects a thing. They hug and talk like nothing has changed, visit each other’s concerts and keep the other physical displays of affection behind closed doors only.

The article from their joint interview is on the refrigerator in Jin’s apartment, with a bunch of sparkly hearts and fake mustaches drawn by whoever happens to be standing there. But Yamapi’s smile is untouched.

Ryo actually thought they didn’t get together for the longest time, solely due to the normalcy they displayed on a day to day basis, until he walked in on them in a compromising position when he was an hour early for movie night.

After that, Ryo was incredibly punctual and refused to sit on Jin’s couch.

He watches their one-year anniversary come and go, asking no questions and assuming nothing. They have both been incredibly happier since one year ago today, and that’s all that concerns him.

And that makes two homophobes he’s cured in the past two years. Maybe next year he’ll try for three, except that he thinks he’ll take care of this one himself.

It’s about time he has a happy ending too.


End file.
